God is an Option?

I have been struggling these past few days. In Mark 4 and parable of the sowers, I am the seed sown in the thorn where the worries of this life prevent fruit to multiply. I am filled with worries, about money, marriage and general future. At times I feel like if one more thing goes wrong, I'll snap! So, in one of my more recent arguments with God, I said, ‘God you are an option!’ Inferring that you are not necessary to people, but you are an option and so how can I make a living declaring an option. Today, I preached 2 familiar sermons at two different places and I felt 'off.' Why? I knew the talks and I got plenty of rest, but I was not spiritually 'in tune.' So, I realize that God is an option, but by his grace, if that makes sense, i.e., I was still able to preach, convey the message and even joke around, but there was no deeper connection, no heart, and lack of the genuine self. There was less of God because I was not in right connection with him. Ultimately, he is an option, but it is not out of weakness, but out of grace! So, I must be content to preach a God who is an option by grace and hence receive compensation from a world that sees him as a option by grace until by grace some people with resources realize that this so called ‘option’ is the source of life, the beginning and the end, unconditional love, healer of souls, and only hope for the desperate!